


il fait toujours plus froid

by libellules



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alex frets over him, Christmas Angst, Christmas Fluff, Justin cries a lot, M/M, What's new here, the gang rents a pretty winter cabin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-07 01:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20301118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libellules/pseuds/libellules
Summary: Things were supposed to be good. Justin and Alex were together and celebrating Christmas with all their friends in a beautiful cabin in the Rocky Mountains. Everything was good, it was fucking magical. Until it wasn't.Justin is insecure and Alex feels utterly helpless.





	il fait toujours plus froid

The snow had been tremendous, truly. Dancing like dust across the sky on that dark December night, flooding chilled air through the cabin and brushing a beautiful rosy hue on the cheeks on the campground’s inhabitants. Thick wool socks, steaming mugs of cocoa and decaffeinated coffee rested in laps, between mittens, and on the armrests and coffee tables of living rooms and back decks. Christmas carols carried through the snowfall like sunsets along oceans and drifted through the cabins warming the spirits of the campers. 

“Go on,” encouraged a young man to another, “it won’t hurt you. I swear.” The other man—the other boy—took a fateful step onto the deck and let the palm of his right hand slowly turn to face the sky. A snowflake landed gently on his bare hand and then disappeared so instantaneously that the boy wondered if he had actually seen anything at all. And then there was another, and another. Another. 

“Oh, wow.” 

The young man smiled a giddy, soft smile and carefully enclosed the other in his arms, the boy’s back hugged warmly against his chest, face resting in the crook of his neck. 

“It’s so beautiful out here. We used to come here every year for Christmas. We stopped coming after everything happened.” The boy in his arms softened in his arms but nodded, placing his snow-covered fingers around his hand. 

“I’m so glad you brought me here, Alex.” 

Alex smiled, rocking them both gently and then kissing the boy’s cheek before letting go. A quiet mew escaped the boy’s lips and he followed Alex further out onto the porch, his feet suddenly wet inside of his slippers from the slush below. 

“It’s so cold,” the boy whined. 

“You’ll be fine. C’mere.” The boy followed to the outstretched hand and let himself sink into the night, into his lover’s arms. It helped that the night was dark and Alex was wearing the softest sweater he had ever felt, that there were hints of alcohol on their breath. The boy glanced discreetly across the deck and through the window at where the rest of the group was sprawled out across the couches laughing to some Christmas movie the boy had never seen. 

He forced himself to look away, to look up at Alex and enjoy the feeling of being held and of holding on to the one he loved. Love. 

He loved Alex. 

It was strange, even after all the time that had passed and everything that had happened, after the months of sneaking around. They had been out for three weeks now. It had been four years since Hannah passed. Three years since Alex had almost… A year and a half since the Jensens had officially adopted him.  
“Justin.”

“Hmm?” He asked into Alex’s sweater where his face was buried contently. Alex’s fingers were running up and down his sides as they swayed gently, almost as if they were dancing. 

“I, uh,” Alex began, cleared his throat, and then continued as he took one of his hands and crept his fingers lightly through Justin’s snowy hair, “I just love you.”

This declaration was not a confession, for Justin knew Alex loved him, had heard the boy say it many times. But the way Alex was clinging to him for dear life as they stood—Alex’s legs strong as they had ever been and Justin soberer than he knew possible—in the icy night with the warmth of the cabin nearby keeping their fingers from freezing, Justin understood it.

Alex was never one to talk much about his true heartaches, his fears, his insecurities. Justin knew him well enough, had seen him with his guard down just enough times to know that Alex never thought it was possible to be as happy as they were dancing in the snow. Justin knew because he felt the same way. To be alive, to be safe, to be in love with a man. Well, it was a little bit overwhelming. Justin sniffed back a tear, the sap he was. Alex just pressed a kiss against his cheek and then pulled out of the hug. 

“Hey! What are you doing?” It was intended to be a flirtatious threat but Justin was too happy to sound stern and simply laughed, grinning with a little child. Alex’s eyes were bright, glistening under the light of the moon. 

“It’s fucking freezing. I love you, babe, but we’re going to get frostbite.” Alex reached for Justin’s hand and lead the two back inside. A group of heads turned briefly at the disruption. Clay gave them a knowing smile, a nod of the head, Zach simply cried out a teasing, “This room’s already taken lovebirds.” 

Alex rolled his eyes but Justin, far more affected by the group, was beet red and curling against his side. Protectively, in a way that made Justin feel like his entire was on fire, Alex put an arm around his shoulders. Justin could almost forget that anybody else was in the room but the group was continuing to toss around teases. Unfortunately, and, at the same time, very fortunately, Alex guided them to the room full of their friends and found a nice spot in the corner of the sectional to tuck them away under a soft blanket. 

The jokes died down in a few moments, easily distracted by something happening in the movie. Clay watched them for a little longer than the rest, feeling utterly warm at the sight of Justin so comfortable, light in a way he never was without Alex, and completely cuddled up to Alex. Although Justin was fit—he truly was, Zach was making sure of it—he looked so small, almost tiny, with his head on Alex’s chest, his fingers clutching Alex’s sweat and the end of the blanket. His face was flushed but Alex was whispering something in his ear, settling his face and then making him laugh quietly. It was so sweet it could almost rot a tooth. 

About a half an hour later the movie was ending and Zach and Chloe decided it was the perfect time to start baking cookies and to have more hot chocolate. Clay and Tyler were given the job going down to the garage to collect more wood for the fire. Jess took it upon herself to plug in the Christmas tree lights now that the sun had set and began scourging through the drawers for matches to light some candles. Courtney and Ryan found their way to the CD collection to find appropriately suited music to “set the mood, duh Clay.” 

Suddenly it was just Alex and Justin once again. Justin was in a particularly quiet, almost shy mood that evening. Sometimes Alex could not tell whether Justin was acting weirdly or if this was just how Justin acted, who he was, and he was finally comfortable showing it. Alex didn’t always understand it. 

Alex had been depressed, he had been angry, he had been furious at the world and himself. He was filled with insecurities about his mind, his body, everything in the world. But he had never tried to hide any of that. Alex was an open book, always had been. Justin was the complete opposite. Justin Foley the light-hearted fuckboy was an act, and a poorly constructed one that Alex saw through immediately. Justin, the longer he lived with the Jensens and let Alex love him, was becoming more and more himself. Alex loved it, he did. He just didn’t always know how to handle, how to navigate it, how to help. 

“You okay, baby?” Alex asked in a hushed whisper, a question for only Justin’s ears. It was the first time playing a new pet-name and he wasn’t sure how Justin would react to it. His eyes flickered up to Alex’s and he nodded, no smile on his face but no frown either. 

“Yeah.”

“Promise?” Alex waited for a respond in words or in body language but it took a few moments before Justin looked away and shrugged. 

“Is there anything I can do?” 

Alex tried to tighten his hold on Justin but the boy was already putty in his arms and Alex wasn’t sure if he would appreciate being manhandled into Alex’s lap with all their friends around. He felt Justin shake his head gently against Alex’s sweater. His fingers were shaking and Alex’s instincts screamed panic attack but he wasn’t sure if that was really what was happening or not. Alex was thankful that nobody seemed to be paying them any attention. 

“Let me take you upstairs, okay?” Justin protested again, shaking his head at the suggestion. 

“No I don’t- I don’t know, I just feel kind of… off, I guess?” Justin’s words were almost inauidable and Alex felt helpless. Things had been so, so good just minutes ago and now _this?_ Alex didn’t understand Justin sometimes. “I just don’t really understand it.” __

_ _“Understand what?”_ _

_ _“All of this,” Justin motioned, hands leaving Alex’s sweat briefly to reference the room around them. “How is this my fucking life? I mean, how the hell are all these people in the same room and not killing each other. How are you here? Why do I get to have this, when I…” He trailed off, voice scattered and eyes damp. The gears turned in Alex’s head. He thought he might understand it all a little bit. _ _

_ _“You’re here. I’m here. This is your family, your friends, your life. You’re allowed to have this. You deserve to be happy.” _ _

_ _“I don’t,” Justin protesting, his voice cracking miserable and Alex instantly wanted to fall apart. How did Justin still think so little of himself? _ _

_ _Suddenly the tears erupted like gates of a flood and wracked through Justin’s body like a ghost. He clung to Alex like a lifeline. Alex held as tightly as he could, cradled Justin’s head to shield him from the concerned glances around the room. _ _

_ _“Baby,” Alex whispered, “Let me take you upstairs.” Justin nodded and Alex awkwardly let go of Justin just enough to stand up and reach a hand down to pull Justin to his feet. Justin kept the blanket wrapped around his shoulders, fingers clutching it as he walked a single step of Alex and up to their bedroom. As soon as Alex closed the door behind them, Justin’s cries became sobs and then coughs and in a another few seconds, quieted. Justin was calming himself down. His breathing was shaky but he was soothing himself and Alex knelt on the floor in front of him, taking the hands resting limp in Justin’s lap and pressing them between his. _ _

_ _“That was,” Justin began, sniffling, “so fucking embarrassing.” _ _

_ _“Shh,” Alex protested, “don’t think about them. Look at me. Hey, please look at me.” Justin looked. And dear god did he look scared and sad and small and it made Alex feel like he was breaking in front of his eyes. _ _

_ _“What happened? What made you feel this way so suddenly? Things have been so good lately.”_ _

_ _“I know, I-I don’t really get it.” _ _

_ _“What happened, Justin?”_ _

_ _“I don’t know. Nothing. Everything,” Justin admitted. “You.”_ _

_ _“Me?”_ _

_ _“I love you.” _ _

_ _“You know I love you so much, Justin.” He nodded. _ _

_ _“I know and I don’t get it. I don’t get how everybody can sit in that room like they’re fucking friends when it’s our fault that a girl killed herself.” Oh. Justin’s eyes were wide, glued to Alex’s, waiting. “How can you love me?” Oh, god. _ _

_ _“Justin,” was all Alex could say. In a fluid motion he stood and the took Justin in his arms and laid them down on the bed, pulling Justin flush to his chest. This time Alex was the one crying. This time there was true silence as they clung to each other. Alex felt so helpless. He knew Justin had struggled for a while but things had been getting better, Justin had a family and a boyfriend and friends who knew him and loved him. He still didn’t get it and Alex felt helpless. All he could do was cling to him so he didn’t disappear. “I love you so fucking much. Please hear that.”_ _

_ _“But I’m… I’m not a good person. I killed a girl, I’m a worthless fucking junkie who cheats on people and I run and I-“_ _

_ _Alex was kissing him, hard and passionately and he refused to pull away until his breathing became inflamed. _ _

_ _“How dare you?” Alex insisted. “How dare you say that about yourself? You will never be worthless, ever. No matter if you’re a junkie or a cheater or any of it. You will never ever be worthless.” _ _

_ _“You’re the only person who thinks that and someday when you leave-“_ _

_ _“I’m not leaving.”_ _

_ _“You will, everyone does.”_ _

_ _“No, I won’t. I can’t. I tried to leave this world once before and I know now that I can never ever do that again. And as long as I’m in this world I’m going to know that you deserve to be alive and in love and happy. I’m going to love you forever.” _ _

_ _Justin didn’t say a word. Alex could barely blink, shocked at the fire in his own words, the utter force of strength he didn’t think could possibly come out of him. He didn’t even realize he felt so strongly until then. Justin didn’t say a word. The two held each other until Justin fell asleep. _ _

_ _Alex waited until Justin had been asleep for a while before replacing himself with a pillow and slipping into their bathroom to splash water onto his face, to listen to his rumbling stomach and escape back downstairs. _ _

_ _Everyone was curled up on the couch, silenced and wide-eyed when Alex appeared sans Justin. Alex sat beside Zach, exhausted. Chloe handed him a hot chocolate. _ _

_ _“Is he okay?” questioned Clay. Alex couldn’t answer so he just shook his head, stirring his cocoa. _ _

_ _“He’s been so happy lately,” Zach commented. _ _

_ _“You make him happy,” Clay added, eyes sincere and steady. _ _

_ _“I just don’t know if it’s enough sometimes.”_ _

**Author's Note:**

> So I started writing this because I was soo excited about snow and fall and winter and all that good stuff but since it's me and since it's Justlex this immediately became insecure angst and that's really all there is to say.... I'm not totally sure what this is or if I will continue it. But, yeah. Enjoy.


End file.
